Highly dangerous, even from a distance

2011-05-02T23:31:00.001+08:00

Hi, blog! It's been such a long time.

I'm usually here because, well, you know...

Damn, this is depressing.

I want you to take over control.

2011-02-26T13:17:00.000+08:00

I'm on a self-destructive path.

2011-01-29T23:17:00.000+08:00

I'm learning how to be less invested. Slowly caring less and less.

2011-01-10T23:34:00.002+08:00

You are so far away, and it feels like you're never coming back. I messed this one up too.

2011-01-10T19:02:00.003+08:00

Not a second has passed without you on my mind. Is this how things fall apart? Will we never speak to each other again? Have you decided that this drama is not worth the effort? Maybe you can find something else, someone else, an easier option. I don't know. I'm unreasonable beyond redemption. I have no lessons tomorrow so I need a plan to keep me from driving myself crazy with the questions.

2011-01-10T17:53:00.002+08:00

Who listens? But the soft papers and hard walls.

I guess this is it. I've no patience nor morality.

2011-01-10T17:16:00.001+08:00

wrong tactics, bad timing, poor communication, cracking under pressure

2011-01-10T16:54:00.001+08:00

Just got off the phone with my mum and she won't tell me why she's going away.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

2011-01-10T16:33:00.003+08:00

Things to do:
- apply for SEP
- email rello about change in dates
- email cihui about change in dates
- email JB about if he still wants to ref the floorball carnival
- figure out the fuck I'm gonna do about my 5th module
- upload pictures
- do SOMETHING about the usp bazaar
- buy textbooks
- eat first meal of the day
- learn how to be alone

2011-01-10T16:30:00.003+08:00

Today, I did something I shouldn't have done. Now I'm regretful.

2011-01-10T13:03:00.002+08:00

Dear blog,

Today is the start of a new busy semester. I have surmised that my mood last night was due to a combination of anxiety for the new term, stress from the amount of things I need to take care of, and just a deep genuine feeling of having my hopes of seeing JB, dashed. I said/typed some hurtful things I shouldn't have, maybe cause I wasn't thinking clearly, or maybe I was being ruled by my emotions. Whatever it was, I will learn to be more controlled and level-headed because people and relationships are fragile things. I still feel sad that I did not get to see him after 5 days of missing, hoping, and wishing. But life is never fair and I will learn to deal with disappointments in a mature way soon. As for him, I don't know where he is now, or what he is thinking. I don't think I'm ready to talk to him yet. I might burst into tears at my own foolishness. I think I would like this week alone so I can numb myself to these strong emotions. It is always dangerous, falling so hard for someone, you forget that you'll eventually hit the ground.

Love,
Therese

2011-01-10T03:09:00.001+08:00

what an awful way to start the semester. i wish you didnt matter so much to me.

2011-01-10T02:52:00.002+08:00

please stop texting me as if its my fault you cant sleep.

if i werent so disappointed that i didnt get to see you today, i might actually enjoy the first week of school by myself, with time and energy to do my own things. please don't come over tomorrow. or the day after. i dont care that its our anniversary. its just a fucking date. none of it matters when we cant learn to keep promises.

i dont know why i'm typing all these hateful things, i dont know if i mean them, or if the urge to cry is driving me out of control.

2011-01-10T02:44:00.000+08:00

It is a really cold night tonight.

And that is whose fault?

2011-01-10T02:34:00.001+08:00

I got you a seashell. But nevermind.

2011-01-10T01:52:00.003+08:00

And because I washed your towel in prep for your arrival, I now have to fold it and put it in the cupboard feeling stupid the whole time.

I wish I was at home in my own bed so this won't feel half as bad.

2011-01-10T00:52:00.002+08:00

I hate it when tonight turns into tomorrow lunch, which turns into tomorrow night. If you can't make it, DON'T FUCKING SAY YOU'RE GOING TO.

I guess everyone has a different idea of what it means to do what you say you will.

Goodnight. Sleeping alone.

2011-01-08T11:21:00.002+08:00

Everything is fear. Fear of losing, fear of failing, fear of getting hurt, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of being unloved.

2011-01-01T23:21:00.000+08:00

All these risky intentions and crazy thoughts shall get the better of me someday.

2010-12-25T16:11:00.002+08:00

This morning I woke up, tried to hurl but nothing came out. Went to town and had Milo for breakfast. That ended up on the sidewalk 20 steps later. Condition improved greatly after that. Shopped with mummo and Ryan and yada yada. Main point is i puked in public today.

Wished everyone a merry christmas, so on and so forth. Tis the season to be jolly, right?

I feel a little battered.

2010-11-19T22:09:00.003+08:00

Most times, I let little things accumulate til it becomes one big ball of "reason" that I throw out at you when I feel the need to persecute you. I should just resolve them when they are still little. I read too much into small issues, I am too resourceful at uncovering half truths, I relate too many present emotions to past experiences. To a point where its unfair to you. Why do I always compare myself to you?

I don't know.

I think in my head, if I can do this, you should be able to as well. If I can tell you where I'm going, at what time, with whom, and why. It shouldn't be a problem for you to do likewise. If I can spend a few hours with you without texting a guy friend every other 5 mins, you should be able to too. If I can tell you honestly, "hey I need to step out of the room to make this call for awhile," instead of pretending to go to the toilet, then why the hell can't you?

But my demands are unrealistic and if I push this further I'll just tip you over the edge.

I think I need to do a lot more growing up.

Here I go again

2010-11-19T19:14:00.002+08:00

Being completely neurotic, ruining everything for us.

(Sudden flashback of a time years ago when I sat on the grimy floor, heart racing, nothing made sense, laughed a nervous laugh with an old friend. I still haven't told him why I was acting crazy. Probably never will. I remember his smell though, and how I let him down.)

We are different people now, with different people to hold.

once again.

2010-11-19T19:06:00.001+08:00

i just dont know how to shut up.

Poor neglected blog o' mine.

2010-11-18T19:07:00.003+08:00

Sorry, brb.

2010-11-10T11:09:00.001+08:00

“It seems that it is madder never to abandon one’s self than often to be infatuated; better to be wounded, a captive and a slave, than always to walk in armor.” — Margaret Fuller

Double Standards.

2010-11-09T10:09:00.005+08:00

Cooling off now.

2010-10-04T15:46:00.000+08:00

I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep, and there are no words for that.

Brian Andreas

2010-10-03T01:06:00.000+08:00

Hehe I like this one.

Oh fuck it, I'm supposed to be studying.

I love you in a place where there is no space or time.

2010-09-24T23:46:00.001+08:00

Why do you stay?

Oh, nymphet.

2010-09-23T20:09:00.001+08:00

Maybe if my heart stops beating...

2010-09-23T19:36:00.002+08:00

What's it like to love unconditionally?

I never want to cry in my sleep again.

2010-09-21T00:30:00.001+08:00

You don't move at all
when I push you away
even when you know
I break everything I touch

Back to nothing.

2010-09-19T18:52:00.000+08:00

I have no one anymore.

Where do we go? Sweet child.

2010-09-15T02:50:00.002+08:00

I still wear your shirt like it means something special, I still hope every text I receive is from you, I still fold my clothes and reminisce, I still use my teeth to put on the bracelet you gave me.

Everything yet nothing. Nothing yet everything.

Now I know it was only just a dream.

2010-09-14T11:27:00.003+08:00

Was I sleeping awake, or awake while I was sleeping? Everything feels unreal to me because I'm just going through the motions. All that I've believed in is lost.

2010-09-13T20:08:00.002+08:00

But, like the page of our scrapbook that I tore out, we'll always be damaged.

I can't concentrate on my fucking homework.

2010-09-12T16:34:00.001+08:00

I'm too busy rebuilding these walls up around me.

No we're not, I just dont want to see you.

2010-09-12T16:28:00.000+08:00

Since I'm on a roll here, talking to myself..

2010-09-12T16:05:00.002+08:00

Little things that annoy the living shit outta me #1:

You think it's okay to read my msges over my shoulder (and I let you do it), but I so much as glance at your phone and you tilt/snatch it out of my visual range.

I hate the internet.

2010-09-12T15:47:00.001+08:00

the things i can't see are gonna kill me one day.

2010-09-12T14:43:00.002+08:00

I know you're going through a tough time now, but you won't talk, you won't tell me what's going on, when I ask, you semi-answer. It's one of those ridiculous things where being apart opens a floodgates of insecurities. I've let you in so much that you get me right where it hurts the most.

I have problems too, and maybe yours are bigger, but I can't wish mine away either. I want to make things easier for you, but I can't deny that your behavior is affecting me.

You say you felt like killing yourself. I can't even describe how I feel hearing that.

Talking to myself in circles.

2010-09-12T13:28:00.002+08:00

I don't want to text you cause I'm being a baby and I think you're being a baby too. But last night I dreamt that I lost you and that I cried for weeks because I'll never have anyone like you again. You mean too much to me and that's fucking scary so I don't wanna text you.

The Cab

2010-08-26T09:47:00.001+08:00

You put me in a cab, it’s raining outside. “What are you doing?” I scream above the noise of the storm because you stand there, holding the cab door open with a silly look on your face. “I’m getting wet! Now shut that damned door!” I think I hear the cabbie murmur his agreement but I can’t be sure cause the next moment, you reach in and very deftly scoop me right out of my seat.

“You-“

I stop and squint at your face through the wind and the cold, but the raindrops blur my sight. For a second I am horrified at the thought that you might be crying. You gently push my wet hair away from the side of my neck and you say, “I’m sorry you’re getting wet babe, I know you hate getting wet.”

At this point I stop wondering what the hell is going on because the cabbie revs his engine and speeds off, obviously pissed. I return my gaze to you and suddenly I get mad. Anger wells up in my throat quick and fast, the words come out before I can stop them

Only you bring me down the way you do.

2010-08-04T21:48:00.001+08:00

I feel like shit now.

Home again, home again.

2010-07-28T09:21:00.002+08:00

I can't figure out what I'm trying to say here. But not everything has to change. Just because I'm semi moving out, just because school is starting, just because of things that will bloom like ink stains on a cheesecloth. I don't have to lose myself in the current. And not everything needs to change.

It's not like what I already have is anything less than golden.

Let's kick-start this engine again, shall we?

2010-07-26T10:55:00.000+08:00

No time left! Life happens.

I'm singing the same lines all over again.

2010-07-25T19:06:00.001+08:00

No reason for sorrow, no reason for spite.

My First Kiss

2010-07-20T01:04:00.003+08:00

Well, he didn't text, and he won't acknowledge my comment on facebook. So I shall just talk to myself here. He doesn't understand what I mean when I tell him I love him. What I'm really saying, when I say "I love you", is "I love who you are, I appreciate the person you have grown to be, I trust you, I'm choosing to be with you, and no one else can take your place in my heart".

Why won't he see that?

Honesty and compassion are more important than wealth, or status. Why won't he see that the first thing I did when I got home was open our scrapbook to read and re-read the things he wrote about us.

Baby I know we are different, and once in awhile we can't help but compare. But can we not start now? I thought we were stronger than this. And I just want you to talk to me.

And so it is,

2010-07-17T20:24:00.002+08:00

I haven't been posting much of late because I don't have the time to sit and brood. Too many things happening at the same time. All moving really fast.

But of course, it's all over now.

2010-07-12T23:40:00.001+08:00

What do you feel?

Love is patient, love is kind.

2010-07-02T22:56:00.003+08:00

You love me and you don't mind, that I'm not so perfect.

Why were you there? And what do you mean you meant to call?

2010-07-02T22:53:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry dear ol' blog of mine, I forgot you existed.

2010-07-02T22:50:00.004+08:00

That don't mean I don't love you no more, it really don't. I'm just growing up.

You. Wow!

2010-07-02T22:38:00.002+08:00

SA WHY ARE YOU GOING TO BRISTOL? I HATE YOU FOREVER.

If it's alright with you, then it's alright with me.

2010-06-26T15:26:00.004+08:00

Back from biz camp, which was a blast. By the end of it, I slowly stopped looking at the whole ordeal like an outsider, but more like a member of the bizad family. My og is made up of a cool bunch, and we're meeting for dinner/supper tomorrow. Isn't that nice?

"I just wanted to be near to you and what better way to do that then to have a camp nearer to your school. I love you so much baby. All I want is to be close to you."

What it feels to have someone put you first, and make life-changing decisions for you. I can't begin to describe. All of a sudden we're real and we matter.

Biz Camp 2010

2010-06-20T21:33:00.003+08:00

The start of the start has crept up on me. Who would've known? I'm a mix of wonder and excitement now. I used to be able to step into new phases of my life readily and headfirst. But there is a strange force warning me to keep my feet on the ground this time. Something holds me down. Life at nus pretty much starts tomorrow, I only hope I don't have too much fun that my last four days of work when I return will be unbearably SIAN. I need to get my packing done. Wish me luck :)

Hahahaheeheeheehohoho.

2010-06-19T09:22:00.002+08:00

(Guess what? You two STILL are the two most stupid people I know.)

I DIDNT GO FOR ETRIAL TODAYYYY. SLEEPY ASS LAZY. SIGH.

Why am I not in bed?

2010-06-19T01:47:00.001+08:00

2010-06-18T23:00:00.002+08:00

T: I think Tumblr has desensitized me to nudity.
JB: Sorry la I facebook only.

What is the matter with me?

2010-06-18T00:40:00.001+08:00

I don't know, but wearing your shirt is comforting.

2010-06-16T00:35:00.002+08:00

Weehoo. Today at work, ms manager said "very well done". I'm happy so you get hot picture of soccer players in their skivvies.

2010-06-16T00:24:00.002+08:00

They might say hi, and I might say hey. But you shouldn't worry, about what they say, cause they got nothin' on you baby. Nothin' on you.

Melting Chocolate

2010-06-15T00:09:00.004+08:00

What do you run away from?

2010-06-15T00:03:00.002+08:00

Everybody is strong. Made of tough stuff. But we all have weak spots. Battles we don't fight. Fears we never overcome.

So today I ran, around my estate. Y'know, for exercise. Running, running.

2010-06-15T00:01:00.000+08:00

The beauty of a laptop is I can do this in my room, naked.

Yes, beautiful.

Pushed together.

2010-06-11T07:07:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you gotta suck up what life hands you. Yknow, just deal.

My Shell and I.

2010-06-08T22:51:00.002+08:00

I wasn't unhappy, I wasn't angry, I wasn't even sad. I was just so scared.

Was this the moment? Where everything fell apart? I've been holding my breath for so long, I've forgotten I'm still underwater. Your voice, that tone. Was this the moment?

So, I ran today.

2010-06-07T20:19:00.001+08:00

(geeky look of excitement!)

S.O.S

2010-06-06T21:28:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Dilemma, dilemma. What should I do? What should I do. Tell me what to do, don't tell me what to do. Fuck, just tell me what you're up to. I don't know what to do.

Old text messages.

2010-06-06T01:47:00.000+08:00

So, it's been so long since you said
"Well I know what I want, what I want's right here with you."

2010-06-05T19:56:00.000+08:00

Fissures and Cracks.

2010-06-05T19:55:00.003+08:00

I think when I ws a kid I suppressed most of my emotions, always more acutely aware of what other people felt, with no true display of my own feelings. It's safer that way.

Anyway, night's young. Let's look for something to do.

2010-06-05T03:47:00.000+08:00

Oh, fuck no.

In case.

2010-06-05T00:46:00.000+08:00

A girl can tell.

2010-06-04T01:57:00.000+08:00

The difference between here, and almost here.

What did you say?

2010-06-04T00:27:00.000+08:00

If you ain't hated on, you ain't doin' shit.

2010-06-04T00:13:00.004+08:00

2010-06-04T00:12:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to you, may all your wishes and dreams come true.

Thought you wanted it too.

2010-06-04T00:11:00.001+08:00

So many ways to love you.

2010-06-04T00:11:00.000+08:00

I choked.

Go back to what you know.

2010-05-27T21:39:00.001+08:00

You're not improving my mood.

2010-05-27T21:37:00.001+08:00

Stupid mistake! Forgot to post Form P and tmr's a PH.

I think I die.

I've never felt it, like I felt it tonight.

2010-05-24T23:45:00.002+08:00

Why? Why did my chest go so tight, and my heart clench so hard? Why do these warm tears fall so freely?

I've never heard it, like I heard it tonight.

2010-05-24T21:19:00.000+08:00

ROYALLY ANNOYED

One last cigarette.

2010-05-23T00:40:00.000+08:00

oh em gee sweetest thing ever :)

2010-05-23T00:31:00.001+08:00

"This morning, as I was about to leave for work, my boyfriend danced into the kitchen singing a made up song consisting of only my name, over and over.

When he saw me, he turned red and said “Oh, you’re still here”.

Sneaking a peak in the daily routine of someone who really loves me GMH."

My foot really really hurts from the slight tumble I took down my stairs today.

2010-05-23T00:24:00.003+08:00

I think there'll be a huge badass bruise covering it tomorrow.

I know you're scared,
and my answers aren't enough,
but I'll do you right,
treasure you,
won't trade you for anything or anyone.

Why?

2010-05-23T00:22:00.002+08:00

"I think that when you fall in love with someone, every single day you spend with them, you fall in love even more. It’s like you find something else to love about them everyday."

The way you laugh, the way you scrunch up your nose, even the way you blink. Every day I spend with that you is like an adventure into your soul.

2010-05-22T18:41:00.001+08:00

I don't know what I've been trying to prove. I'm hopeless, helpless, when it comes to you.

Taking today too.

2010-05-22T09:13:00.002+08:00

That's the beauty of you being an island. Anyway I've clocked 9 ish hours of sleep, realized my assumptions last night were way off track, and got a whole itinery planned out for today. I'm so in my own groove. I shall finally settle my uni acceptance, then head out. World's my oyster.

Ciao! :)

2010-05-21T22:52:00.001+08:00

Aha! Excitement :) this shit is dope.

Tryna get a hold of smoke on water,

2010-05-21T21:09:00.002+08:00

The way I see it, shopping helped ease my mind of things temporarily. But I should have known that I can't be left alone with my racing thoughts. Now, the one I need isn't here. He is nowhere.

Is it just your guilt talking?

2010-05-21T21:06:00.002+08:00

"Babe, how much would you like to bet that he won't call?"

K doesn't have faith in his fellow male counterparts.

Sleeping lonely tonight.

2010-05-17T22:19:00.001+08:00

Please feel better soon.

Girlfriend on Demand.

2010-05-17T20:50:00.002+08:00

The boys lost to RJ today. I don't really have much to say about that. Tomorrow is the finals for the girls :) I really miss being on a team.

JB is upset about something and he won't tell me what. I've psychoanalysed his silence and came up with a few possible motivations behind his keeping mum.

1) He doesn't think I'll understand.
2) He doesn't want to worry/trouble me.
3) He's actually upset with me and doesn't know how to appropriately channel his unhappiness.
4) He's being drama by keeping me in suspense.
5) He hasn't properly formed his thought into words &/or is confused.

He's been glued to his phone the whole night and left my place in a huff. I suspect it's some family thing. So 1) is highly probable. 2) kinda ties in with that too. I doubt it's 3) or 4), or at least I hope not. 5) can easily be solved if he'd just talk to me about it. He just gets it into his head to be troubled about something and builds up these walls that I have no aptitude for breaking down. I think I'll just wait for him to come to me.

Go ahead, take your time.

2010-05-17T20:49:00.001+08:00

2010-05-15T20:15:00.001+08:00

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for: Here is my heart and soul, please grind into hamburger, and enjoy. It’s both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."

-Grey's Anatomy

2010-05-10T21:08:00.000+08:00

2010-05-10T20:44:00.000+08:00

hahahahaha

Frustrating.

2010-05-10T20:39:00.001+08:00

On my way home today I stopped by pet safari to peer at the puppies again. Ironic that for the first time in my life when I finally feel emotionally ready to get a dog, I'm off to uni and can't keep one.